Okay, no one here knows this, but I have this "forbidden lover". I feel like such a whore because I have a boyfriend, but the guy I really love I can't be with.

His name is Orlando, I'm goign to put a picture of him in my scraps. I met him, this March[2006], and we had a thing for a while. We didn't go out....but...IDK,

Well, I had an orchestra competition and he was there supporting one of his friends[how sweet]and IDK, he was talkin to one of the judges I think. My friend Kayliegh and I were rating guys and she said oh, look over there, 10! Instead of looking at her guy, I saw him, he saw me, we were caught in each others' gaze. I'll remember this forever. Kayliegh went up to him and told him I thought he was hot and he came over to talk to me. He was shy and quiet. He kept on blushing. I just could not stop staring at him. He gave me a drawing of a rose with his number and e-mail address on it. I had to say good-bye so I went and gave him a hug. It felt like it lasted eternity.

I went home and e-mailed him that night, [at this time i had a myspace] and i gave him my myspace address.

We talked until May, and then my parents found out. They flipped. I had to get rid of my Myspace and i had no e-mail until July.

I think it wa slate June when he came to see me...he missed m and hadn't heard from me for awhile. I ran up to him and jumped on him and hugged him. Then we kissed, that day was our first and last kiss... I miss it so much, it was so gentle, yet he told me he wanted me.
I...I'm crying.

Then...he just cam eby after my parents still woudn't let me tlak to him...and late July/early August he came by with his dad so he could meet my parenst. I mean, how many guys would do that? And they STILL hated him!Oh, I lied, we kisse dthat day too.

I haven't seen him sense.

I am bawling my eyes out, I miss him so much. I...I...I love him. I mean, I would do anythign for people I love ( I love you if you know me highly personally). But put it this way, if he told me to slit my wrists, I would do it, if I thought that was what he really wanted.

I need advice, I am so lost. I don't know who I am without him...I...I...really am hallow inside. I just don't care about anythign anymore. It's like I'm supposed to be dead, but I'm too stubborn to die. I'm physically healthy, but mentally no. I am so...love sick. A hopeless romantic. A MAJOR ONE. All I ever wanted and dream about is love, and I finally found it, and then it was snatched from me. My parenst thought they were helpin me, they weren't. I'm not myself. I'm lost. I feel as if I am souless. NO, I don't feel souless, I feel-nothing. I don't know. Nothing matters to me anymore. Nothing is funny, nothing is cute, bright colors seem to annoy me, I have to work up energy to ge tout of bed. Food has lost it's taste...

Not to mention people. I know I am young, but I am fairly wise, or so my teachers say. I don't think I am...but all well.
Well, I can't really talk to anyone my age...they are so...inoocent. I mean, nothing has happened to them, they have a care-free life. I wish I were them, I wish I could be happy. I try, I really do, b ut some force, as soon as I get to the top, just pushes me back down. I give up, I can't stand life anymore. Mayeb I was not supposed to be here. Maybe I should just, leave.

I am a terrible person. If you know me, I am sorry. If you don't know me, stay away. I always hurt the people I am closest to and love, stay far away. Just leave me alone. Let me whither away.